9 Keys to Overcoming Grief

Last year I lost my father , a hard blow, I knew it was possible, for a long heart disease, but you never expect to get up one day and to be called communicating your death.

How I lived it is an example of how you can cope with a loss of a loved one, but it is an example of a way to deal with it. There are many ways to pass a duel, even though they have common patterns, there are as many forms as people in this world. So which is the valid or the best? Evidently to say that all seems obvious, but it is true, that from the outside, it gives the impression that some people take it better than others. The key is how to pass the duel without overturning your mood or your daily dynamics.

What is the duel

Death is a natural step of our own existence. The sooner we accept it, the more likely we are to cope with death better, without ever eliminating the sense of absence that death can trigger.

Even as a child we began to have contact with death through what they tell us, movies, stories or books, or what we see on television ... But it is a stage in which we are hardly aware of what it means to die . As we grow we are a family member, an acquaintance, a friend and we begin to see that it is a permanent loss, which costs us to recover more or less depending on the closeness of the person who left us, how death happened , our character and coping styles , the network of social support we have, belief or religion , previous experiences of mourning , etc. (Factors that influence the experience of the duel )
Mourning is the stage after the loss of a person for whom we feel an emotional bond, be it family, friend, partner, etc., and it is completely necessary for us to reorganize ourselves sentimental, cognitive and socially, to accept the person has gone and embark on a new path with this absence.

The stages of the duel

Much has been written about this, although one of the most accepted proposals is that made by Dr. E. Kubbler Ross, who proposed 5 stages in the duel:
#1. Denial, isolation and disbelief : at first we do not accept the loss, we do not believe it, it has not given us time to fit the news.

#2. Ira : We substitute disbelief for resentment, for anger. They appear why, it is charged against the toilets, against who caused the accident, against the relative who was not present ... This anger is a normal phase, and as such, should not be considered as personal.

#3. Negotiation : we try to find an outlet for the fact through the pact, the bargaining, the negotiation, with God, with ourselves ...

#4. Depression and sadness : we are overcome by sadness, the feeling of loneliness. The support of the closest ones is completely necessary, and is a preparatory period for the last stage.

#5. Acceptance : we have reached the end of the road. We have been without the person for a while, new plans, projects, activities have emerged ... We remember him with longing, but we already look at life in a different way.

These phases were originally established for those who await their own death imminently, but it has been observed that they are equally valid for those who suffer the loss of a near being. It also applies even when there are "losses without death", such as ruptures or separations . They are sequential, but not all pass through all stages, and the order and duration of each one are also alterable.

In my personal case, the first stage lasted only a few hours. The second stage more than anger was of guilt, for not having told him on more occasions how much he loved him and for not having been by his side at that moment in which he left. The third did not exist for me, probably because of my conformist character; with the fourth I spent a lot more time (several months and I still have not completely let go of it, I may resist it because I fear that if I stop crying, I may forget, even though I know it is a fear not founded), and As for the fifth, he appeared obligatorily, I have two daughters and a happy marriage, we have to keep pulling the car.

Sometimes the mourning is poorly resolved or becomes complicated ( pathological mourning ). It manifests itself when there are periods of extreme sadness, when many months have passed and we are in the early stages, when it refers to intense pain, or there are suicidal ideations, when it has intense or exaggerated emotional reactions to the stimulus that causes them, it does not just recover a normal dynamic of life and / or work, recurrent thoughts of guilt or pending issues ... On these occasions it becomes necessary the intervention of a psychologist to evaluate and treat this person.

9 Keys to overcoming a duel

The key keys to overcome the mourning are the following:

It takes time to take on the loss . For some people it will be longer than for others. We need to give ourselves that time to get the idea of absence.
It is necessary to express the feelings, to be able to comment them with someone, to speak it. We need to share our experience, it is also a way to show what we feel for the deceased.
It is imperative to have a network of social support. A group of people, family or friends, to help us to pass these stages, to be at our side in times of sadness, or simply to listen to us.
You have to remember the person. We must not forget it, it was part of our lives, and must continue to be in our memories. Forgetting does not make it easier to keep going, you have to remember to assume that you are gone and that you should keep walking.
We must assume that we must continue living. Life does not stop because a loved one dies. Moreover, it is very likely that despite our intense pain, our desire not to live, there will be people around us who want us "alive" and need us by their side. This can be a good reason to start and move on.
It is convenient to have data on how it happened . If the person wants to know, there is no need to protect him, he may need this data to integrate and assume the fact in his personal experience. Overprotection is not always adequate. Now, it should be clear how to adapt the data to the age of the person. It is not necessary to recreate in medical or violent data (to give two examples), when the one who requests the information is a son of 11 years.
Go to celebrations and manifestations related to death . It is another way of socially recognizing the death of the loved one. The others support you and share your pain. They are necessary rites from the point of view of the man like social being.
Schedules, routines, habits and customs are good allies . They bring us back to the reality of everyday life. Do not force it either, the person will return to them or establish new ones when prepared.
Our way of leading the duel must be respected . Each one will express the pain in a way, will pass from one phase to another at different times, we have different characters, links with the deceased ... There is room for everyone, and respect is the best option.

We must keep in mind that time is necessary to recover and that there are different ways of manifesting the pain of loss. Taking these two basic issues into account, the other clues arise in their own right.